Your draft is pretty good, but it does need work.
Please read through the attached reviewed draft for my comments and corrections.
One thing you need to check is your very frequent use of affect and effective. You use both words a lot and they are easy to confuse. Even when I use them in my writing, I have to stop and “think” about it.
You really should try and include the extra credit elements — a timeline to implement (how long will it take to overcome the problem of employee retention), a cost estimate (prizes, thank you gifts, employee raises), two original graphics (a table or chart for the timeline and cost estimate are good places for these), and a Plan B (an alternative if the decision maker says no to your plan — or part of it.
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